Thanks but no thanks.

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Dear whoever left this pile of loot outside the charity shop,

Thanks for the generous offer but literally no one want those shoes… 
 

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I need to calm down 

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American: Do you have tickets for, like, Stomp?

Me: Like Stomp? Or actually Stomp?

It’s happened, I’ve become a pedantic twat.

Can you?

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Customer: Can you tell me exactly how many meters my seat will be from the stage?
Me: Can you swivel on my 9 inch?

GBH

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Some bogging bitch stood in my shop just did the filthiest fart. The urge to lunge over the counter and maul her is so intense.