I’ve just been verbally harassed for the last half an hour by an American woman named Joanne – or “Jo”, as Jesus likes to call her…
She entered my shop lugging a huge suitcase, with a guitar on her back. She’d also draped herself in a man’s extra large blazer, whilst sporting the most offensive wig known to man.
Jo was shocked beyond belief to discover that there are 32 theatres in the West End. But after she’d picked her jaw up from the floor, she informed me that she wanted to see a show with religious connotations, “something like the Lion King, y’know? Where they teach you good and bad”.
She also told me that: she’s an angel, Jesus told her so; she has two children, and luckily they’re both angels as well (phew!) and that she’s been in England for 11 years. She arrived here on her 1st wedding anniversary and as soon as she got off the plane, she fell to the floor, “splat like the Pope” – and kissed the British soil. “Sure, Britain has made mistakes, but it’s the only place for me”.
She relayed all of the ten commandments to me, twice. She was keen to hammer the point that I should never, ‘sleep with my neighbour’s wife’; and that, ‘there will always be people better looking than me, so I shouldn’t worry about that’.
She then said, “Jesus loves everyone except bi-sexuals”. I told her that I was homosexual, to which she responded, “Ok, you’ll be fine now but you’ll need redemption by 2016” – that’s the year of purification apparently, so I had better ask God for forgiveness by then. Apparently sodomy – “when a man’s pee-pee goes into the shitter” – is the worst act man can commit.
Sometime in 2017 there will be, “Judgement Day”. Jesus hasn’t told her the exact date and time yet, but he mentioned in conversation that 2017 will be the year.
She tried to sing me the song that she wrote about her buddy, Jesus, but a customer walked in and stopped her.
She then drifted outside and began accosting a guy in the street, so when my customer left, I grabbed her suitcase, tapped her on the shoulder and told her that I had to close the shop. She ‘forgave me’ and told me that God loves me.