Americans are obsessed with telling you how things are done back home, even though it bears no relevance to your life. In my extensive experience with tourists, I’ve realised that no other nationality feels the need to do this.
American: Do shows play on a Monday?
Me: Yeah the majority of them, there’s a list here.
American: Oh interesting, because back home in New York the shows are closed on a Mon —
Me: I’ll stop you there. I don’t need to know this.
American: Stalls? What does that even mean?
Me: There’s a seating plan in front of you. Stalls is the ground floor seating, closest to the stage.
American: Ohhhh I see, because back home we would call this the Orchestra Stalls —
Me: Firstly, I don’t need to know this. Secondly, the word “stalls” features in both those names, you really couldn’t figure it out?
American: How do I enter the lottery for Wicked?
Me: There isn’t a lottery. The only show that offers a lottery system is Book of Mormon.
American: Oh that sucks. Because if we were back home all the shows would do a ticket lott–
Me: Yeah and what? I don’t need to know this. We are in London, this is irrelevant right now.
American: So do we need to dress up to attend the theatre?
Me: There’s no dress code. So long as you wear something, you’ll be fine.
American: Really? Because back home in America we dress up to go to the theatre —
Me: Oh my god that’s so funny, because I don’t need to know this.
American: So what’s the hottest show you have here in Broadway right now?
Me: BABE! Seriously! You boarded a plane to London, not New York. Surely you remember that?
American: So what, you don’t call this Broadway? Back at home we call it Broad —
Me: I DON’T NEED TO KNOW THIS! It is fully acceptable for you to draw these comparisons in your own mind without feeling the need to voice them.
I mean, can you imagine if I visited the states and spent the whole time going, “Trash? What the hell is that? I’m pretty sure you probably mean ‘rubbish'”; “I have no idea what words you are saying to me? Side. Walk? Are you sure you don’t mean ‘pavement’?” … We’d never get anything done. I’d spend my whole VACATION lecturing people in the ways of British life, when all I really want to do is eat pancakes in peace.
And not that I mean to completely target Americans today, but here’s another bug bear while we’re at it…
Me: I have tickets this evening at 58 pounds.
American: So you said it was 58 dollars —
Me: Did I? Did I quote you the price for my British tickets that I’m selling in Britain in American Dollars? Or do you just refuse to acknowledge any other currency than your own?
Other than that, I really do love them and I would love to be awarded a Green Card one day…