Middle-aged couple in my shop who are clearly on a first or second date. The guy is the stingiest, blandest, plainest em effer I’ve ever clapped eyes on, whilst the lady is sweet and polite and eager to have a nice time.

She wants to see The Commitments, he doesn’t want to spend any money and suggests they just, “walk about a bit” instead. She says, “oh don’t worry about money, I’ll pay. I’d like to treat you.” He arrogantly shoots her down with, “Uh, no. I don’t think so. Fine, we’ll take two”. She looks a little abashed but clearly doesn’t want to wound his pride or something, so says, “oh it’s OK. It’s a lovely day for a walk actually, why don’t we just do that?” As he snaps, “No. You said you wanted to go so we’re going.”

I’m giving this raging prick massive side eye, but I process their tickets, the total of which is £43 so not exactly breaking the bank, at which point he says, “Well actually, you can just buy your own – how much for just my ticket?” AS IF! As if you could be so pompous and cheap, then have the gall to carry on existing in polite society! Just witnessing it made my bum hole clench in humiliation, whilst he doesn’t bat an eyelid, still Lording it about the place.

He then went on to tell her off for agreeing to sign up to our mailing list, complain that it was too bright outside, that my street map wasn’t detailed enough, that he didn’t want to pay for an expensive lunch, and when I very pointedly made a show of handing her ticket directly to her, he snatched it away and put it in his pocket…

I had to fight the urge to wrap the woman up in a bear hug, smooth her hair and quietly reassure her over and over again that she could do better than him. Instead he snatched her away, as I sat imagining that I could physically see him slowly extinguishing the light in her eyes, and that they would return in 5 years time, and he’d be even more of a jumped up twat, and she’d be this hollow, shell of a woman, afraid of her own shadow.

What a fucking shit wand.


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