Factory opening hours: Monday to Saturday.


Customer: Can I get tickets for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on Sunday?
Me: It doesn’t play on Sundays unfortunately.
C: But that’s when I want to see it.
Me: Right. *10 seconds silence* Well it doesn’t play on Sundays.
C: So when could I see it?
Me: Monday to Saturday.
C: Right. I need a Sunday.
Me: Well shall I tell you what does have a Sunday show?
C: OK.
Me: So there’s Matilda, Stomp, Jersey Boys, Thriller, Dirty Dancing, The Lion King, The Commitments, Let it Be —
C: No. It’s Charlie we want.
Me: You’ll need to go Monday to Saturday then.
C: No we just need a Sunday show for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Me: Oh well why didn’t you say? I tell you what, why don’t we do a quick whip around, see if we can get about £500,000 together, then maybe I can approach the cast about whether they want to come in on their only day off per week, open up a dark theatre, and perform the entire show to an empty auditorium, save for you pair of ignorant mop buckets? No? OK. Well run along then, sounds like your Mother’s calling you home for dinner.


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