Every day of my goddamn life.

Standard

Customer: Hiya! What you got for tonight?
Me: We sell lots of shows. Have you got any preferences?
C: No, just anything.
Me: Would you prefer musicals or plays?
C: Just anything, we don’t care.
Me: Well have you got a budget then, so I can narrow down the search a bit?
C: No. We don’t care. We’ll just be happy with whatever you can get us.
Me: So you’re sure there’s nothing in particular that you might fancy? Because we sell about 40 different shows…
C: Nope. Honestly, we don’t care. We’re mad like that, we are, aren’t we Margaret?
Mararet: Yeah we are.
Me: *Long, exasperated, exhalation* Right. I’ll just list every. Single. Show. I can get tickets for tonight then, shall I?
C: If you would, yeah.
Me: Mamma Mia —
C: No. Seen it.
Me: The Bodyguard —
C: No. Load of rubbish.
Me: Wicked —
C: Crap.
Me: This will be much easier if you just stop me when you hear one that you want, OK? So we’ve also got Romeo & Juliet, Tory boyz, The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui, Jeeves and Wooster, Horrible Histories, Twelve Angry Men, The Mousetrap, Let It Be, Woman in Black – stop me at any time – Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Barking in Essex, Once, From Here to Eternity, Henry V, War Horse, Dirty Dancing, 39 Steps, One Man Two Guvnors, Mojo, Strangers on a Train, Wicked, We Will Rock You – any of these? No? – Jersey Boys, The Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables, Thriller, The Commitments, Barry Humphries at The London Palladium, The Book of Mormon, Billy Elliot, Spamalot, and the Lion King.
C: That’s it?
Me: Yes.
C: You haven’t said Matilda.
Me: No, because it’s sold out.
C: But that’s the one we want, isn’t it Margaret?
Margaret: Yeah, t’is.
C: Yeah, t’is, t’isn’t it? Matilda’s the only one we want.
Me: Brilliant. So when I asked you on several different occasions if you had any preferences … Oh forget it. You’re a fucking bell end, and Margaret should be wearing a muzzle. Dead To Me, Talk To Me Never. NEXT!

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